Boyfriend Q&A

As well as reading the post, you can check out a forum dedicated to exactly this topic here!

Some details of the question in this post, including reader’s name, have been left out just to respect privacy.

Stephanie, I read your post about what to do when your bf doesn’t text you bk and thought I’d ask for advice.

I’ve only been officially with my bf now since July. When we first started talking I didn’t even realize that he liked me until he flat out said it and I turned him down twice before I finally gave in and decided to give him a chance. We soon realized that we both liked each other a lot and things went well. This happened at the end of last school yr and we talked all summer, everyday and almost all day. We spent almost every wknd together and some weekdays. At first the only thing we had trouble with was other ppl not approving of our relationship because of jealousy and the whole racial thing (I don’t have a problem with us being different races and neither does he but some of my friends do).

About a few wks before xmas break, he stopped asking me to come over on the wknds and we hardly talked at all. He’s not much of a talker on the phone so we mainly texted but he would call sometimes and never minded when I would call. Anyway, he started by only texted me very late at night, like 11pm then midnight and he even waited until 2:30am once.

Then, he would go days without talking to me and I just assumed he was busy because he likes to procrastinate and leave all of his school work to do until the last minute. When I questioned him about it, it turned out that I was right, he said he had been studying all night and had a lot of projects to do.

I acted like it didn’t bother me, but apparently he could tell something was wrong from the way I was texting him. He would constantly ask me what was wrong. I finally decided to tell him that I didn’t like how late he was texting me, how I never saw him anymore and how he hadn’t texted me for a few days in a row without any explanation.

All he had to say was “sorry I’ve been shitty lately” with a sad face. I told him it was ok, thinking that things would get better. I was wrong…he started texting me a little earlier, like around 9 or 10pm and then it was back to midnight. I figured, the last wk before we went home for break, that we would at least see each other once, but as the wk went on I soon realized that it didn’t look like I was going to see him.

He used to always tell me how much he missed me and wanted to see me after only going a couple days apart. It’s been wks since we’ve seen each other and he doesn’t even seem to care. He talked to me like I was supposed to be ok with not seeing him and like nothing was wrong. I have been feeling like something was wrong for a while now and don’t know if I’m just paranoid or what.

It’s not normal for him to go this long without talking to me. I texted him once last night but he didn’t respond. 🙁

Okay hun listen, I absolutely know what you’re talking about and here’s my take on it.

This is a classic example of a guy not getting bored, but…. getting complacent. Ever heard of the term familiarity breeds contempt? You have quickly became a chore to him. Please do not become offended because it is NOT about you, your essence or your personality. He liked these things when he asked you out. And you are still you, provided you don’t lose yourself which is exactly what you’re doing.

When he first texted you at 2:30 am, did you text back? If so, that was your first mistake. A mistake that has served as a response to his first “bullshit-test”. What I mean is, when he first started texting you late at night he was testing to see if you would take it. It was deliberate, to see how far he can push you. To see if you are a walkover. (And by the way, he may not even have REALISED it at the time, but he still subconsciously did it…)
Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter how many “projects”, exams, work shifts or things a man has on his plate – if he loves you and is scared to lose you he will always put you first. Imagine if he had all of these things on his plate when he first started going out with you – after he finally managed to persuade you to go out with him. Do you think he would be so careless, not texting you back for ages? No. He wouldn’t want to rock the boat, he would want to make sure he has you
Sometimes he may be super super busy and may not have a lot of time for you BUT if he cares for you he will make sure to still be in contact and will certainly not wait until the early morning hours. You should be supportive of him but only if he treats you right. This guy is dishing you out shit.
Now he is 100% sure he has you and he can see that he almost has this control over you because you have shown him that his bullshit is bothering you. Even if it does bother you, you need to stay calm (and I know that’s so hard to do in these situations, especially if it gets worse) and even show that your eyes are open to other potential guys as he is not living up to your expectations to simply be treated right. Please do not stay up waiting for him to text you. NEVER withhold sleep for him (unless it’s an emergency). That means he definitely has a hold of you.
Play him at his own game. Yes, I said it. It’s not nice that we have to be like this with men and it takes a lot of willpower. But with guys like this it’s what you have to do every now and again, sadly. What you need is a guy who won’t play games with you, but unfortunately many do. So you need to make sure he knows that you are confident in yourself and don’t take his shit. He’ll probably be attracted to you all over again and you may see a difference in his behaviour.
So my advice to you is to get busy. Do what makes you feel good about yourself and your life. Paint your nails, condition your hair, go for drinks with the girls (or with guy mates..) and concentrate on being happy. When you talk to him, be nice, friendly and pleasant. Just like you were at the start. Don’t nag, moan or argue to get what you want – be unavailable.
I think when you have to play games with a guy he’s not right for you. But I also think it’s okay to play games when you’re young. So I would say either get rid of him or show him you don’t take bullshit in a relationship. It’s far better than being needy, waiting for him to throw you crumbs meanwhile neglecting your own life.
Hope this helps!
Don’t Forget To Check Out The Thread What To Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Text You Back!

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12 thoughts on “Boyfriend Q&A”

  1. I ran across your posts and found much of your information really useful. But what do you do when a man straight up tells you that he enjoys being alone and has no problem being single? I just feel like I am so stuck right now. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and it has been wonderful and terrible all wrapped into one.. I know he loves me but at the same time he finds me a chore and keeping up w my needs too much work and would rather not have any woman to deal with. I can try these tricks but I’m afraid if I pull away he will never realize he’s afraid of losing me. He has never made himself look foolish or needy toward me… He is very closed and doesn’t show his feelings hardly but he is very nit picky. My self esteem has gone done so much lately and I feel desperate to be given affection by him. He has hardly ever complimented me since I’ve known him but he is ok with pointing out my flaws. He is very self confident and doesn’t need any of these things from me. He doesn’t mind if we text in fact he would rather txt very frequently and never ever calls and rejects all my calls. I wait so long for txts and he’s not even doing anything. It’s come to where he just wants to relax at home doing nothing and not talk to me. We hang out often but he uses it against me sometimes and basically makes me feel like he hangs out with me just so I wont complain at him. And even worse I almost always have to initiate sex! I feel like he is so selfish but He no longer listens to my complaints or cares if i cry he says hes heard it all and that i complain too much.. And turns everythinh around so its somehow my fault. he basically always gets mad if i get mad .. And his biggest weapon is to ignore me. He is so complicated I don’t know what to do any advice anyone has given me is to break up with him or act like you don’t care too. Boys tell me he is probably bored with me and keeping me around until someone better comes along but I honestly don’t think that is the case at all. I’ve been feeling like all I can do to stay with him is just give up all the affection and care and thoughtfulness. Because telling him and complaining is doing nothing. I wish there was just something I can do to make him care that he is hurting me so much. This is long but I’d hope you’d have some kind of advice for me 🙁

    1. My advise is to get out of that relationship. That is what I call an emotionally abusive relationship. When anyone points out your flaws- that’s mean and wrong, let alone the man who’s supposed to love and support you? It will be hard and it’ll probably break your heart but afterwards you will realize that it was for the best and that you are so much better without him. Get involved with friends, a support group makes it easier. Please do this for yourself.

  2. Well he broke up with me.. but he said its because he doesn’t want to hurt me later..but he thinks he can get a second chance at the begining of the school year what should I say? What does this mean?

  3. Well he sometimes restarts the conversation. But then the other day he i texted him and he just ignored me because I had my friend text him and he answered her but not me… I am confused what in the world should i do?

    1. That plan never works because even if he does text your friend back it’s making you look more desperate. At the end of the day if he’s playing these games with you do you really want to be with him? xx

  4. Allison – it could mean that he is starting to get a little bored, or it could mean that he is just busy. Does he restart the conversation himself or is there a continued silence?

    Stephanie xx

  5. What does it mean when you and your boyfriend have been texting for a good three hours and then he just stops texting you? I asked him a question and then he just stopped texting.. is he getting tired of me? Or whats happening I need help!

  6. Me and my bf have been going out for 4 months hes a guy that txts me everyday no matter were
    His at so yesterday he txt me at 8:37 A.M and I
    Didn’t answer him cuz I didn’t hear the fone so I txt him later n he didn’t answer so I though that he was working bt he has his fone off and I called and txted him today bt he won’t answer and he always answers he’s fone I hope nothing hapend to him

  7. What if your qoin tout qit this guy and he knoes that your shy but he says its cute but by phone and everythinq.. So then we meet and I brouqht a friend so ha can be wit his friend. And well my bf and my friend talk the whole time and I told him I was shy and he would try to talk to him and well I couldn’t knoe what to say.. I’m not really good at startin and keepinq conversations.. Well theyy talkk and I qet sad and pissed b/cv he wouldn’t even look at me only at her its like I was invisiblee.. And when we left I told him that if he liked her and heno and then I told him that why was he talkinq wit her all the time and even doe I was quiet he didn’t even try to make a converstion wit me so then we kiss and I leave then he leaves… So I’m at the store wit my friend and I see him walkinq home and I say bye, so did he.. Then I texted him sayinq that I was sorry that I wasted his timee and he said that it was cool and I was like, no its not we didn’t even qet to talk so like his phone sucks lol well he said he was qunna charge his phone and he was qunna text me laterr but he never did, not even todayy. I didn’t qet a text nor a call from him… I tryed tedtinq him but he won’t text me baqck.. And wekll he works but bas thayt he texted me every morninq and even when he was at work.. He said he didn’t care that he liked textin wit me.. So I’m sad and confusedd :'( what should I dooo I’m sadd

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